Dear Mom,

I'm sitting at my work desk with a complete loss of words. It's unfair that God called you home so soon. Wrong that you won't be here for the holidays, what's the point of them without you?

You were more than a mother to me, I'm sure you were well aware, because we did everything together! Living through the loss of you is like taking a sledge hammer to the chest while drowning. Going on each day with the urge to call you, talk to you, or show up at your house unexpected is unwavering.

The kicker of that? The fact that I'm now living in your house! I'm grateful that you were coherent enough to choose not to pass on there, and know you're looking down on us with joy. All of your hard work was for your little man, my baby boy, and he's been thriving in your house!

Not a single day passes where I don't miss you, I think I always will, but I don't feel angry with the way we spent the rest of your life together. If anything, I'm grateful for the freedom and flexibility to step away from my own life when you needed me, and take care of you for once. Without the support from my loving husband, I would not have been there in the way you needed me.

I would have been robbed from the opportunity of seeing you vulnerable for the first time. Robbed from learning what true courage and strength looks like, and I would of missed out on the chance of learning so much from you in those last months. Through your pain, you planted my growth and took care of me in ways you were unaware of; even in death.

So, no. As I told you three days before you left us, I'm not angry with God... Only angry that I have to miss you much sooner than we anticipated. Angry that I can't tell you about your grandson's first parent-teacher conference, or his first sport. I'm gutted whenever he says "Can we go to Gigi's?" instead of "Can we go home?"

But am I angry? No, how could I be with the way you left? You carried yourself with a bravery and a grace I've never seen, and I wouldn't change a thing. Yes, I'm lost, sad, gutted, numb, and emotional beyond belief. But I'm also proud, driven, thankful, and have an entirely new perspective on life.

You have no idea how loved you were, and you were SO loved beyond measure.

Until we're together again,

Your only child